Six Easy Pieces
by Arquellania
Summary: We never said we were invincible. In fact, we're close to the edge. Serena. Nate. Blair. Chuck. Carter. Georgina.
1. Prologue

**Six Easy Pieces**

**Prologue**

--

**Summary:** Welcome to the Upper East Side. Nothing here is ever what it seems.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl or the third season I'm definitely NOT excited for.

**AN:** Well, this is something I just scribbled down in my spiral notebook. I grew up on the Upper East Side, so I may have some insight into this little world. This story will have six parts. You might think that it's about the six main characters on the show, but it's not. This story is only about the Upper East Siders. Each part will only be from the point of view of one character. Serena will be first. Georgina will be last. So, I hope you enjoy this story! It's a bit personal.

--

We never said we were invincible.

Yes, the money and the limousines and the nannies may seem like a security blanket. It may be when we're too young to see the missing pieces, but once you get older, it's meaningless.

They are merely a weak attempt to replace what's missing. The parents, the love. The simple hope that things will go right someday. That the world will stop spinning in that impossible way, and you will someday catch up.

We all may seem pristine. But we've learned that being emotionless is key. Society's a bitch. Everyone around here, adults and teenagers alike, will watch you crack under pressure and laugh about it at the end of the day. Most people don't care. They don't really see. They simply do not understand.

Yes, we're rich brats. We'll always come off that way. But there's so much more beneath the ice. There's the drugs. The sex. The alcohol. The purging and binging. There's the need to feel important to the people who actually matter.

And while the money may make us seem high and mighty, that's only what we allow society to see. The rest is under lock and key.

More intimately, if people began to understand us, they would soon realize that we're only searching for acceptance.

We never said we were invincible.

In the end, we're weaker than the rest.

--

tbc


	2. Part One

**Six Easy Pieces**

**Part One – Serena**

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**Summary:** She doesn't care where he's been all these years; she just wants to know that he's still out there.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl or Serena's daddy issues.

**AN:** This is the first part! It's all about Serena and her father, so I had to pretty much make the backstory up. I hope you enjoy this part! Nate is up next, and after that is Blair…

--

"Your father's not coming."

Your mother tells you this when you're five years old at your kindergarten graduation. Eric starts to make a fuss and she leaves you with your teacher to get ready for the biggest moment of your life (up to that point).

She doesn't mention that he's not coming back ever. You get home that day and he's not there. You stay up late and wait for him to come home. The sun comes up and he's still not there. So you sleep and dream of ribbons and dancing with your father (back when you were innocent; it was much simpler then).

When you wake up, you ask your mother if he's there. She just stirs her tea and doesn't answer. You take that as a no. She leaves after that and she's gone for three days. The nanny takes care of you and Eric (you're used to that by then).

She comes back with a smile on her face, but with no one by her side. She tells you that daddy is away on business for a long time. She tells you to write a card for him and she'll send it tomorrow.

You write a card for him every single day for three months and you truly believe that she sends them until you find one in the trash one day (it has a drawing on the front of her and daddy in violet crayon; it's your favorite color that week). You just tell your mother that you don't want to write him anymore with tears in your eyes and she doesn't ask you why.

When Eric gets older and he asks you if she's supposed to call mom's second husband 'daddy,' you ask him if he remembers the tall blonde man that used to be around when he was younger. He looks up at you with his innocent eyes and shakes his head. He just says that he doesn't look anything like the big man that mom loves now.

This is the first time that you think that mom may not love dad anymore. You hate her for that even though daddy isn't around anymore. You wonder if she ever went looking for him, but your first guess is that she didn't care, so you stick with it.

Daddy doesn't write or call. You don't understand what drove him away but you believe that you're a part of that equation.

Klaus (or maybe it was Claus; you can never tell the difference between the two) leaves cocaine all over the coffee table on Christmas morning. You're twelve years old that year; Eric is ten. Mom doesn't come home that day and one of the foreign maids dusts off the coffee table, thinking that you and your little brother have no idea what that white powder is or where (who) it came from.

Mom doesn't apologize when the maid tells her about it; she never apologizes for her indiscretions. A part of her also shares the maid's beliefs that you and Eric are clueless. As you get older, you slowly realize that you got your naivety from her.

Mom just keeps on marrying men she'll never get to know, because they'll be out of the door after six months. By the time you're in high school, mom's gone through three husbands, including dad.

You start addressing her as Lily for a short period, but you stop because you see it's hurting her (though you're sure _Lily_ would never have the same consideration).

You enlist your shady (best) friend Chuck's help to finally find daddy; the whole city knows that the Basses have the best P.I. in the country on speed dial.

But even the private investigator fails and you're back to square one by the end of eighth grade.

A graduating senior named Carter Baizen (you already know his name, but pretends that you don't; you hear that he has quite the ego) tells you he's found your father in Santorini. You don't understand why he knows that you're looking for him, but you believe him because you're desperate.

The first night there, Carter tells you that daddy's already skipped town. You never figure out if he was ever there in the first place, but either way, you're heartbroken.

You lose your virginity that night. Carter's slow and patient with you, and by the end you're exhausted, but you stay awake long after he's gone to sleep.

You stay up until the sun rises, just like you did more than a decade ago. Daddy doesn't come (not that you expected him to find you) and you leave for the airport on a boat.

You trek around Europe that summer and every time you see a blonde head, you do a double take. It's never him.

You don't think he's avoiding you. You just think you're unlucky.

Freshman year rolls around and you become friends with a girl named Georgina. She's insane, you believe, but she's a hard partier, and you can't afford to be alone.

You push Blair away, but she remains your sidekick. You almost forget that you're Queen S and everything is about you (it's sickening, really). Even if you're slumming it with Georgie, everyone (that doesn't know you and doesn't matter) loves you.

You hate it because it won't matter in the long run. Blair wants to be on top more than anything, but she is obedient, even when you abandon her for the STD-ridden Sparks girl.

Georgina takes you to your lowest point; the sex, drugs, and the alcohol are numbing and it doesn't hurt when you don't think about daddy at all for one day. When you find your old red ribbon that he gave you in your old music box, you go out with Georgina one night and don't get back home until two nights later.

Mom isn't home to know that. Eric doesn't tell because you've been good to him for so long. You're his mother (better than his biological one, even if she messes up sometimes) and you'd do anything for him. But your little brother doesn't remember dad and it hurts.

You have sex with Nate and Pete dies in the same night. You can't look at yourself in the mirror when you get home. You pack your bags, and tell mom that you're leaving for boarding school in Connecticut (you're already registered by the time you get there).

Blair writes when she can (muster up the courage to). You never write back because you have no idea what to say to her. You've betrayed her in the worst way possible (the best friend and the boyfriend? Lily would even gasp). You float through the rest of sophomore year and you get that unexpected call about Eric. You cry that night because you should have protected him (and you should have known that no one else would). You pack your bags and leave for New York with the small hope that you're welcomed back.

You're not. Mom is embarrassed by Eric and you stand by him, even if it's no use. He's in pain and you can't help him because it's too late. The scar on his wrist burns a hole in you the first time you see it (the second and third were just as bad, too). Lily chalks it up to the fact that you weren't there (you're inclined to wonder where _she_ was).

You've missed a husband and a botox appointment, but she's just as distant as she's always been. You almost ask if daddy's wrote or called, but you know what the answer will be (because even if he had, mom would lie; you've always loved daddy more than her, and she hates you for it).

Blair finds out about Nate and she gets to push you away this time. It's well-deserved, but you're let back into her tight circle (because it's always been effortless for you and so incredibly difficult for her). You regret ever leaving her because she's the best friend you've ever had. She's your sister and you couldn't have survived this long without her.

Junior and senior year are a blur to you; you fall in love with the first time (he loves your laugh and everything that makes you human). In the end, it's over, and it hurts more than you'd ever admit. But you move on because you have to (maybe he'll find you again when the time is right). He doesn't know much about daddy because you don't talk about him with anyone (and even if you did, he would be _Keith_, _Lily's first husband_, not anything else).

You don't look for dad again until you graduate high school; Carter finds him in Fiji and you almost to cry in front of him (but you don't because big girls only cry behind closed doors), because this might be it.

You're disappointed again when Carter tells you he's gone and you have sex with him again (sex and making love are two different things; she's learned this). He's quick and excited with you this time; you're as experienced as he is at this point and it's almost embarrassing how much you've grown (in the wrong way) since four summers ago.

Carter tries to make you forget for a while, but you leave him again. You've broken his heart (he'll never show it; he's made of stone).

You go around the continent again, but you don't go looking for him. It's not worth it (but he'll look for you someday; the five year old in her is sure of that).

You go to Brown and start living your life like you should; you almost forget him but his name might as well be written on your skin. You have his eyes and his laugh (and you're more like him than Lily would ever admit). You try to tie the ribbon you once wore everyday around your head (it smelled like strawberries and cream, the only shampoo you ever used). It's too short and you cry hysterically until your eyes are bloodshot.

You take out the only picture that you have of him (mom never found it; she would have ripped it up if she had). You're in it too and you're smiling (she hasn't smiled like that since then). Daddy has you on top of his shoulders and you can see that you were his world (maybe you still are).

You get good grades and you try to be as good as person as you can be (better than her mother, you promise yourself). You don't fall in love because you don't have the time (or the patience).

Summer comes again and you leave Rhode Island for the place you call home. Everyone's waiting for you this time (you're missed and loved by the right people for once). Blair's got a boyfriend that isn't Nate (you know him well; he has dark eyes and a trademark smirk and he calls you _sis_; he'll become Blair's fiancé by the end of the summer).

You open the door to the family suite one day, expecting Chuck (he comes later, asking you about the proper way to propose to a girl), but instead, there's a tall blonde man standing in the doorway.

You know him.

And so you embrace him and whisper, "Daddy," in his ear. He holds you tightly (and smells your hair; you hope he'll get you a new red ribbon, spin you around, and call you _Rena_).

It's like he never left.

--

tbc


	3. Part Two

**Six Easy Pieces**

**Part Two – Nate**

--

**Summary:** He's supposed to stick with the pristine image that his parents have set out for him, even if it's not really what he wants.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl. If I did, Nate would be used for much more than having secret affairs with guest stars no one cares about.

**AN:** Here's Nate's part! His part was the most difficult to write, because he's so underused on the show on you never get to see why he does what he does. It annoys me to no end, so I hope this part did Nate justice (even if I don't like it that much)! I know most of you don't like him because of screwing with Chuck and Blair in Season 2, but just clear that out of your head for now. After this part is Blair's, then Chuck's, then…Carter's! So it shall be fun.** I'm currently looking for a beta reader – you'll be able to check out a lot of the things I've never published, as well as fanfics that aren't quite ready to be put up yet. So, if you're interested, let me know!**

--

"You're the perfect son."

Your father tells you this when you graduate from kindergarten (dad made a donation towards the end of the year to ensure that you graduated from the small playground; your teachers said you were inattentive and suggested that you be held back, but you didn't know that), and he's so proud, he buys you a chocolate ice cream cone with sprinkles (which you promptly spill all over yourself; you're not so perfect anymore).

Blair Waldorf hugs you (before you spilled the ice cream; she would be disgusted to hug a chocolate-covered you) and gives you that perfect smile that your mother loves (she's already planning the perfect wedding; it's lavish and it happens right after they graduate from college, and then you'll go towards politics, like every decent Vanderbilt does). Everyone says she's adorable, and that's fine, but as you hug her, you're looking over her shoulder towards her best friend, who animatedly chatting with the dark-haired, sarcastic boy you call your best friend.

Her name is Serena and you think she's the prettiest girl you've ever met (except maybe your mother, because that would upset her). Her eyes are blue, just like yours, and you're in love with her (before you even know what love means).

She's the only one who would ever go on the monkey bars with you (Blair and Chuck wouldn't dare get their clothes wrinkled). Her laugh is loud and it's the best thing you've ever heard (because when she laughs, you do too).

But your mother doesn't seem to like her (she says that the little blonde girl is always disgustingly dirty and she doesn't say _please_ and _thank you_ when she invites her family over for dinner). She keeps on telling you how much of a lovely girl Blair is (she's more in love with her than you'll ever be) and you just nod and listen to her, because you'd do anything to please her and dad.

When you're in fourth grade, you tell Chuck that you're going to ask Blair out. His nose flares, but he approves, and that's all you need (even you know that he liked her back then, but you ignore it because she's everything your parents adore).

Blair says yes (like you knew she would) and you go on a chaperoned date to see Shrek. She giggles but never laughs out loud, like you do (because she's got more manners than anyone you've ever met). Your mother is on your left side, and Blair is on your right; when you reach out to hold Blair's hand your mother smiles and thinks that perhaps you can be saved with the proper training from the right (wrong) girl.

You have your first kiss in front of her building after you walk her home (your mother didn't stay around for that; she probably knew that was going to happen). You don't feel that spark that everyone talks about when you kiss someone, but you leave it alone because it seems like Blair does.

By the time you're in sixth grade, your dates are no longer chaperoned. Blair (your self-declared girlfriend) decides that Serena and Chuck should tag along on a date to the movie theater that summer. She says she thinks it's a good idea and you have to agree (because you're not an idiot).

You and Serena want to see Thirteen, but Blair cringes at the thought. Chuck doesn't care, but you know he's going to grab a seat next to your girlfriend, and that's all that matters to him. Blair refuses to see the movie, but Serena complains that her best friend is being too bossy and you're impressed (because you'd never argue with her; you have to maintain that pristine image).

So she gives in and you see the movie that you want to see. Chuck is in the aisle seat and Blair is next to him (she'll blush when their hands reach into the popcorn bucket at the same time, but you never notice). You're next to Blair, and Serena is on your left. She smiles at you innocently (and you forgive yourself for having ulterior motives; as long as you never turn your thoughts into actions, there's nothing for anyone to disapprove of).

Blair doesn't notice that you're getting inching towards Serena as the movie goes on (you can almost feel her slow breaths on your cheek, and even though that shouldn't make you happy, it does).

You love the movie, and so does Serena. Tracy Freeland is flawed (and everything you're not). Blair declares that she despises it (she secretly loves it, but behind closed doors, like everything flawed about her is). Chuck doesn't say anything about the movie (but he's smiling to himself knowing that Blair blushed when he touched her skin).

Chuck offers to drive Blair home, and she invites you to her penthouse, but you shake your head and say you're going for a walk in the park with Serena (she hides her trembling lip from you, knowing that you favor her best friend, and as revenge, spends the night with Chuck getting drunk for the first time).

Your walk with Serena is long and you talk more with her than you've ever had with Blair (your girlfriend doesn't talk because it's always easy to say the wrong thing, and she wouldn't want that).

She laughs just like she did when she was five, and you love that she hasn't changed one bit. When you drop her off at her building, you're so close to her lips, but you control yourself (because you hear your mother's voice in your head). She gives you a weak smile and walks into the elevator, pretending that awkward moment never happened.

You buy a dozen lavender roses and send them to her. The card thanks her for the lovely time (lavender roses represent _love at first sight_, according to the florist, but you're sure she doesn't know that).

You pretend that you haven't forgotten about Blair, so you send her yellow roses. The card says she's beautiful, and she is (but she's not her best friend). You're satisfied with yourself (even though yellow roses represent _true friendship_, but she won't know that).

And so that begins the roller coaster. You send Serena lavender roses every time you take a walk in the park with her (which is often) and you send Blair yellow roses because you pity her (she's going to end up being one of those wives that lets her husband cheat on her so long as no one ever finds out at this rate – and you're almost sure that husband will be you).

But mom's happy with you (even though she's almost sure your father is sleeping with one of his secretaries; she smiles through it and decides that _it happens_). Your dad says Blair is a fine girl (and tells you to stop staring at that blonde girl, because you'll get into trouble if your girlfriend sees you; _it's better if you do it when she isn't around_). Your parents see who you're really in love with, but you keep up appearances for everyone else, because Blair Waldorf is meant to become Blair Archibald (everyone says so).

You bring your girlfriend to the Vanderbilt house often and grandfather approves (he even cracks a smile when you pose for your first pictures as the Archibald-Waldorf mash up; the pictures come out perfect because _you stand tall, smile, and look like porcelain_). At your wedding, your first dance with Blair will be to a string quartet (with Serena, it would be a pop single about true love that was on the top of the charts in the nineties; you decide you would like that more).

At your eighth grade graduation, you hand Serena lavender roses in person (her smile is bright and genuine when you give them to her; she says _thank you_ and you think your mother was wrong when she said the girl had no manners). Blair accepts the yellow roses with a fake smile (because she knows why she gets these flowers so often, and it's not _just because_). Chuck gives Blair a bouquet of dark red carnations (they represent _deep feelings of affection_, but you never ask Chuck about it, because you're sure he was very specific in his flower choice). Blair gives Chuck a wide grin (because he's the one who cares right now) and it remains on her face throughout the ceremony until she locks eyes with you again.

But she stays with you (because she can't afford to break down; high school hasn't even started, and she needs to remain _a model student_). Chuck doesn't say anything about your feelings for Serena (he knows Blair too well to speak the truth; it damages her). You still go on walks with Serena, but it's less frequent (she starts hanging out with Georgina Sparks, someone you wouldn't dare get involved with). Blair's losing her best friend and you're losing your only flaw (or _slice of perfection_, because you and Serena are meant to be and you wouldn't have it any other way).

You just take more pictures at the Vanderbilt home and _smile_ (this'll be your life for the next sixty years, at the very least; you may as well get used to it).

In the middle of sophomore year, you attend the Sheppard wedding. Blair's your date, but you end up getting drunk with Serena. At the risk of being a complete embarrassment, your girlfriend sends you out with your best friend to sober up.

You end up going to the bar to drink some more. Serena swaggers on top of the bar and opens a bottle of champagne. She plops on top of you, and after all the years of resisting what was always there, you make your first real mistake (her lips taste like strawberries and cream, and her hair has the same scent). She takes your innocence (you hear Carter Baizen took hers, but you pretend that you've taken it). Chuck's watching from above (it's not like you know that at the time, but you don't care; he's seen your flaws and you know that he'll keep this secret).

You fix yourself up and return to the reception. Blair asks where you've been and you smile and say that you've _sobering up_ (because you don't feel drunk anymore, not in the slightest bit). Serena never comes back to the party, but you don't notice (because it's all about Blair for the rest of the night; it's you personal apology for the last few years).

Serena leaves for Connecticut that night and she doesn't say goodbye (you want her address so you can send her lavender roses). She doesn't call or write and you decide that she's found someone better (you don't deserve her; no one does).

Blair's father leaves and she locks herself up in her room for a few days (she's only flawed behind closed doors). You don't visit her (but Chuck does; every night he'll go up to her room and they'll just talk). Reality is interrupting your fairytale.

When Serena returns, you pursue her once again. She pushes you away and admits that it was wrong (even though nothing's ever felt so right). You two are never meant to be, and you're starting to realize it.

You finally tell Blair about sleeping with her best friend (she says that _she always knew it_; she just pretended that it wasn't there). You get back together, but break up again (you can't tell her you love her; it's the first time you're unable to lie to her).

She loses her virginity to Chuck (and it's so fitting, yet so repulsive in his mind). You put her down because she's publicly embarrassed herself and _you're too good for that_ (after all, you're the Golden Boy, and you never do wrong). She's never pristine again and you don't understand how she was for so long (you're barely hanging on).

Your father makes a mockery of your family and grandfather backs away (a rush of relief shoots through you, because _you can be normal_).

You meet a girl named Vanessa (she's from _Brooklyn_ and you've never felt more naked around her; she sees right through all of the fake). She's truly perfect for you, but she's a flaw in the plan. It's over before it starts (that's all it'll ever be).

At Bart Bass's wedding, Chuck admits he's in love with your ex-girlfriend. You feel a pang in your chest because you always knew it (but he was a good boy and never interfered with the perfection). You try to be supportive, but he messes up and there's no going back.

You pretend to date Serena that summer while you're sleeping with a married woman (she's stunning and trapped in the perfection of her marriage; you want to mess something up for a change). She starts paying you and soon you're trapped, too. Vanessa's standing right in front of you, waiting (but you'll never reach her).

After Catherine is a mess of a love life. First comes your fling at Yale (you can't remember her name) and then comes Jenny, who's innocent and on the fast track to _Blair Waldorf_, no matter how much eyeliner she wears. You don't have to end it because it fizzles out.

Vanessa comes along again and you're in love (for the second time, and it's amazing). But Blair needs saving (and you'd like to think that you're a _superhero_ – plus, grandfather's back, and he's watching). You forget all about Vanessa and dive back into the perfection (but this time, Chuck has to interfere, and you don't blame him…_she's perfect, you're perfect, and it's absolutely sickening_).

So she lets you go for the last time (_the fairytale is over_, she says, and you know _it's been over for a long time_). She and Chuck (finally) find each other.

And then there's you. By the end of the summer, Serena has Carter (and it doesn't really matter; it's all about _what might have been_ with them now). Blair's with Chuck (and that'll stick for a while; in the end, she'll marry him, and they'll be _perfectly flawed_). You went to Europe with Vanessa (you get drunk in Prague one night, and you suddenly remember how she tastes like strawberry kiwi, but by the next morning, it's over).

You're left alone, staring out at the path set out for you (the _politics,_ the façade, _being the Golden Boy_).

You're too terrified to take that first step.

--

tbc


	4. Part Three

**Six Easy Pieces**

**Part Three – Blair**

**--**

**Summary:** She could always be flawed behind closed doors; she just needs someone to accept her as an actual human being.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl or this character, who the writers are slowly ruining.

**AN:** I'm going to be honest. I absolutely hate the direction they've taken with Blair this season. Honestly, I wouldn't ever expect her to be as desperate as she is portrayed as of late. And her relationship with Chuck is a bit off for me this season – I don't know why, but things just aren't the same and haven't been for a while. Anyway, here's Blair's part – which I dreaded writing, because far too many people have analyzed Blair already, and even I'm getting tired of seeing fics like that. But alas, I had to write it, because she is an Upper East Sider and does have her own story. After this is Chuck's – another I dread writing – and after that is Carter's. I hope you enjoy this part!

--

"You haven't touched your food."

Your mother violently whispers this to you when you're six years old (even though you have eaten everything but the vegetables).

You're at an important dinner attended by what seems like the entire Upper East Side (and they all seem to be staring at the little girl who is shifting the peas across her plate with her nose scrunched in disgust).

Your mother is obviously embarrassed and daddy just wipes his mouth with a napkin (he never defends you; you learn this early on). You slowly swallow your peas and your mother glares at you the entire time (because you don't look like you're _enjoying them_; in fact, you don't smile at all, and that's a _no-no_).

Your best friend Serena is seated across from you next to her mother. Mashed potatoes are scattered all over her face (and her mother doesn't complain; you pout in envy).

You have to wonder why everyone smiles at Serena and everyone shakes their heads disapprovingly at you (later, they all speak of your mother, _the one with no charm_, and they mention you, _that robotic daughter of hers_; you don't understand any of it, but you know it's not a good thing). Your father chuckles when he catches sight of Serena (and later at night, when you're back home, he'll mention something about _those endearing van der Woodsens_; your mother will scrunch her nose in distaste and simply mentions that_ they're below us_).

Eric throws a pea at your mother and you crack a smile. Your mother catches sight that you're entertained and she pinches you as punishment. You turn red in anger (but you never say anything; causing a scene would be _unwise_).

You notice (your schoolgirl crush) Nate compliment Serena's pretty pink dress. Serena blushes and your nostrils flare (because Nate's supposed to be yours; you pinky swore). You know that Nate likes her (and doesn't really like you; his mother always pinches your cheek and tells you that you've gotten taller every time you see her), but you're sure that he'll pick you (because you're proper and his mother is always talking about Serena and her family being _improper_).

The dark-haired, dark-eyed Bass boy is staring at you from the across the table (and you blush, even though you don't mean to). He smirks (and it's something you'll come to know well over the next few years).

You shouldn't like him because he's terrible to you (he's kicked sand in your face, smeared ice cream all over your clothes, and pushed you off the swings). But you consider him a friend, even though you have no idea why (it's probably because he and Nate are a package deal; wherever Nate goes, he follows, and vice versa).

He's left his peas on his plate, and he clearly pities you because you were forced to eat yours (and you're glad that someone understands, even if your mother turns her nose up whenever she approaches his family; she says something about the Basses being _new money_ and immediately shares her disapproval whenever she has the chance).

After eating, you talk with him for the rest of the evening (you make fun of his bowties and he's actually offended; you immediately apologize, but then he lets out a small chuckle and you can't help but smile). Serena and Nate spend the evening together (far away from you; you can hear their loud laughter and you just wonder why he doesn't laugh like that when he's with you).

Nate has the measles (which he also conveniently shared with Serena) when your seventh birthday party rolls around. He (his father) buys you a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant (even though you prefer the plastic neon pink ring he got from the twenty-five cent machine and immediately gave Serena; she wears it every day).

Chuck just gives you one flower (you later learn that it's a red carnation and your father promptly puts it in a vase; he asks who gave it to you, and you lie and say it was Nate). He gives you a small smile and you see the faintest red color his cheeks (but he turns and runs away before you can examine it further). Dorota grins and says _adorable_ in accented English (to which your mother frowns and send her away into the kitchen; she mutters something that sounds a lot like _nonsense_ once the maid leaves the room).

Every year after that, Chuck gives you a single red carnation on your birthday (and as you get older, another gift; it's always something that you admired in a window once and never thought you would have). It's simply magical that he knows you so well (never mind Nate's generic gifts; teddy bears and a dozen roses, which turns into hideous jewelry as you get older).

When you're ten, your parents have a huge fight (your father mentions something about _coming out_ and your mother yells in argument; it goes on for hours and you can still hear it through your locked bedroom door upstairs).

Dorota knocks on your door after nearly an hour, and after drying your tears, you open it to find Chuck with a solemn expression on his face. Dorota leaves you alone with him (because it was innocent back then).

He doesn't apologize for what's happening downstairs, but he just lets you talk, and he listens (as opposed to Nate and Serena, who both mechanically nod their heads as they drown out your sound; you pretend they're listening because _that's what friends do_).

He tries to give you advice (about Nate and Serena, about your parents, about life in general, as well as a fifth grader could) and you try not to cry in front of him (even if he knows you want to, there's a clear difference between _knowing_ and_ seeing_).

Nate begins to send you yellow roses with generic cards attached (_thank you for the lovely evening_, they'll say, as if his mother wrote it). You really hate yellow roses and you just pretend they're red carnations, vibrant and exciting (which is what you wish you could be). You're dating Nate, but he still looks at Serena in _that way_ (and you'll always wonder why you're never good enough).

At your eighth grade graduation, you see Nate hand Serena a bouquet of lavender roses (you look their meaning up later that night; they mean _love at first sight_ and you can't help but tear into your bottom lip and try not to cry). He hands you yellow roses and you try to smile as best as you can (you'll throw them in the trash mere minutes later; he doesn't ask about them even though he knows they're missing).

Chuck gives you a gorgeous bouquet of red carnations and you grin brightly (it's incredibly genuine and you surprise yourself). You read the card (it's in script, intricately so; _hang in there_, it reads, simply; his name isn't written on it). You'll write in your diary that night about him (and once you're finished, you realize you haven't written a single word about Nate; you tear the page out and begin writing a new entry about how amazing the yellow roses were).

That summer, you jet off to London, expecting all three of your best friends to be there (but Nate says he's staying with his family in Connecticut all summer; he doesn't inform you that Serena is with him and she never tells you, either). Chuck shows up and you're surprised that you don't want to leave immediately (in fact, it's one of the best summers of your life; there isn't a single picture where you aren't smiling and that's an incredible feat for you).

When you return home, your mother frowns and insists that you've gained weight (after which you go upstairs to examine yourself in the mirror; you want to gag at your floppy thighs and double chin, both of which are nonexistent). You realize you aren't a size zero anymore (instead, you're a two, which is simply out of the question). You almost fling your clothes out of the window, but instead, you pack them into a box (afterwards, all that's left is a Yale hoodie that your father gave you).

You enter the bathroom when it all begins (it's painless when you stick your finger down your throat; it almost feels good and that scares you). You continue doing that until it's only bile you're throwing up and you're shaking from the loss of electrolytes (you chug an entire bottle of Gatorade and pretend that you had never stared inside of that porcelain toilet bowl).

That Thanksgiving, you're puking all of your dinner (your father's away on a business trip, which leaves your mother free to criticize you; you end up swallowing an entire pumpkin pie along with a quart of ice cream and in the end, you don't even have to stick your finger down your throat).

You left your bedroom door open in a lapse of judgment and Chuck walks by and freezes. You lock eyes with him as you stand up and flush the toilet (and all your flaws).

He gulps but doesn't say anything (that you hear; when you've already made your way downstairs, he's still standing by your bedroom door, mumbling to himself). Once everyone leaves (Nate kisses you on cheek, though you're aiming for his lips; you give him a fake smile, as always) Chuck is still around and confronts you. He asks you why you do it and you don't have an answer for him (because there are too many reasons to list; they all have to do with _love_, and you still refuse to talk about that with him).

Next Thanksgiving, he'll find you doing the same thing (but there are even more reasons; your dad is gone and so is Serena). He sits down and talks with you to desperately try to understand, but there's nothing he can do (because you're in way too deep and he doesn't mean enough to you to be able to pull you out).

Nate knows nothing (and you'd like to keep it that way; Chuck doesn't tell and you won't). He's a better boyfriend to you than he's ever been before (and you're pretty sure that it's because Serena's gone and hasn't kept contact with anyone; you write her sometimes, but it's nothing too meaningful, just things about _good grades _and _great parties_ and the _best days_, which are few and far between).

But Serena comes back at the beginning of junior year and you find yourself pushed to the side again. Nate tells you that he slept with her at the Sheppard wedding and your world comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, you get to push him away (and yet, you don't want to; he's been a constant in your life and you can't imagine your life without him). You find yourself staring into a toilet bowl yet again, but it doesn't feel nearly as good (sometimes you'll cry for hours, leaning against the wall and wondering how you got here and where you'll be going after this).

You take Nate back because you feel you have to (you always fall for his eyes and his smile, ignoring how incredibly fake they are). Yellow roses turn red and you hold onto the simple hope that maybe he'll begin to care, but he's still going after Serena behind your back (though she pushes him away; she's a better friend than you give her credit before). He's unable to admit he loves you and you end up ending it.

You lose your virginity to Chuck (and you are almost disgusted at how fitting it is; it's almost perfect, and that terrifies you). He begins looking for more than sex and you step away (because you've never seen him commit to something, and those are waters you refuse to test).

Nate is waiting around yet again and you jump at the chance (because you're _less Blair_, and somehow, he likes it that way). Chuck lurks in the shadows and you ignore it for as long as you can (because he's your little secret, one that you're begging him to keep).

But when it all does come out, Nate pushes you away yet again (it's almost sad that you didn't expect it; after all, you could shatter his reputation, and who would want that?) Chuck leaves you in the dust (you save him as a last resort and he senses that; you can't believe how much of a disaster you've become).

Without the usual comfort of the dark-haired boy, your condition creeps up yet again and you don't even fight it (there's no strength left; everyone's forgotten about you).

But Chuck does catch you before you fall (and you're amazed at how romantic he can actually be; his heart of stone is slowly turning into one of gold and it's almost an impossible transition). He messes up everything before it begins and leaves you in Tuscany alone (you cry the first night you realize that he's not coming, but you don't throw up; _baby steps_).

And suddenly, the next year is dedicated to you and Chuck becoming a _something_. You tell him you love him and he runs away; his uncle is in the city for New Year's Eve and you decide to sleep with him (he smells exactly like his nephew and you try not to cry; he's rough, but he's a suitable replacement).

Nate comes in between all of it, and you take him back (it's only a blip of a relationship and you part ways as high school ends; it's too fitting and you bitterly smile to yourself as you think about it).

Chuck tells you he loves you, and it all comes together (it's incredibly imperfect, and you wouldn't have it any other way). He becomes your flaw that you allow everyone to see (and you're damn proud of it; he's successful, you're happy, and it's all falling into place).

He proposes to you while you're in a hospital bed with a broken arm (your heel broke and you tumbled down the Met steps; you find it hilarious, and you even surprise yourself when you let out a loud laugh when you fall). You say yes (to the right guy for your twenty-year old self; the six year old in you would disapprove, but you don't care).

You smile and he smiles, and perhaps, you can make a fairytale out of this.

(There's no glass slipper; only red carnations and imperfections. And that's okay.)

--

tbc


End file.
